Monday, 20 July 2009

Good Morning Thames Water!

The letter in full:

Dear Natural Resource Extortionists,

Account Number: xxxxxxxxx

Outstanding Sum - £52.38

In 1876 Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone. It was the future, and a means for human beings to communicate with one another from a distance by means of some wire, electricity and witchcraft. In terms of technology back then, this could be compared today to Doc Brown's time-travelling DeLorean in Back to the Future.

Thankfully achieving a speed of 88mph or generating 1.1 Jigawatts of electricity are not necessary to operate the telephone, which makes me wonder why each member of you hapless organisation to whom I have spoken - whilst being mindful of not 'tarring all with the same brush', because some of my best-friends are call centre workers (twitter/efan78) - are apparently completely incapable of using one effectively. Perhaps for fear of altering the time and space continuum, and becoming their own fathers.

Fortunately for you, or perhaps unfortunately depending on your point of view, I who also go by the name of The AngryMan, from the mildly followed, am capable of time-travel.

Let me transport you back to the November 17th 2008. Whooooooooosh.

There I am, locking up xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx, my six-month tenancy at an end. In my hand I’m holding a piece of paper with the various readings for each utility company, and the phone numbers. Whoooooosh. A couple of hours later and there I am calling you with the readings and giving you a forwarding address for you to send the final bill.


And back to about a month ago. I'm talking to someone in Delhi trying to find out why I've only just received this, along with a final demand and the threat of legal proceedings. Ooooooooo. Incidentally the bill is incorrect, I rather object to paying for water use until March 2009. Some 6 months after I left.

Now don't get me wrong I can see the romance in India, and I hope to follow in Jade Goody's footsteps and visit it one day. The beauty of the Taj Mahal and the history of the Raj fill me with wonder. Wonder that is, why a British company would take the decision to offshore their call centre, where sadly the message is often lost in translation. And it's not their fault, you can tell this from the recently aired and revered documentary 'Mumbai Calling'


To a fortnight ago and I've 'got lucky', I'm speaking to a young lady in your UK call centre who I assume is a hybrid of human and hyena who thought it all rather amusing that I had failed to receive the amended bill - which for the record I am happy to pay - and despite telling her clearly that 'the account is in dispute' and therefore currently uncollectable, that you would be passing my account to a Collection Agency. Oooooooooo. 'I'll send you a revised bill'. She says.

Yes, and i'll find a cure for cancer.


To Friday night, I arrive home from a weary week at work hoping to fall upon the gaze of my 8 week old daughter, Clover, to be rewarded with one of those delicious smiles that money simply can’t buy. Instead I am met by the steely glare of Mrs AngryBritain. 'What's this?' she says. The 'this' to which she refers is a letter from CwC Debt Recovery.

After changing my trousers, I had a lovely weekend. Surprisingly dismissive of my impending jail term.


To today. Having stuffed the letter in my manbag to be dealt with today, I spotted it whilst hunting around for the last furry Polo mint after the boredom of yet another tube journey set in on the way to work. Surprisingly this letter took just 37 minutes to complete on my iPhone including breaks for 'man-scratching' and I would now like to present it, and the attached letter to CwC to you to deal with.

Being a web-ist I've also presented it to the internet, mostly through vanity:

Here: , Here: ,and later-on today here:

According to, currently ranks 3,047,401th most popular site on the internet, and 149,299th most popular site in Britain. Out of an approximate total of 108,000,000 websites that puts us in the top 4%. We acknowledge that while we have some way to go to reach the heady heights of Google or Facebook, that equates to approximately 100,000 hits a day. Not bad huh?.

Anyhow, do get in touch I'd love to resolve this and even perhaps give you some money.

For the record:

“The account is currently 'in dispute' pending a revised bill and therefore legally unenforceable or collectable

Check the Consumer Credit Act 1974. A marvelous piece of legislation designed to stop faceless organisations such as you using bully-boy tactics to make amends for crap customer service.

The telephone, the thing Bell invented, is the contraption in front of you with the numbers 0-9 on it that makes ringing noises now and again. My number is xxxxxxxxxxx.

Now, I'm off to see what my kids look like so fire up the DeLorean.

Yours not-particularly faithfully,

Mr D xxxxxxx

aka The AngryMan

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