Death Race 2009 - A Stern Reminder

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Death Race 2009

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Good Morning Thames Water!

The letter in full:

Dear Natural Resource Extortionists,

Account Number: xxxxxxxxx

Outstanding Sum - £52.38

In 1876 Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone. It was the future, and a means for human beings to communicate with one another from a distance by means of some wire, electricity and witchcraft. In terms of technology back then, this could be compared today to Doc Brown's time-travelling DeLorean in Back to the Future.

Thankfully achieving a speed of 88mph or generating 1.1 Jigawatts of electricity are not necessary to operate the telephone, which makes me wonder why each member of you hapless organisation to whom I have spoken - whilst being mindful of not 'tarring all with the same brush', because some of my best-friends are call centre workers (twitter/efan78) - are apparently completely incapable of using one effectively. Perhaps for fear of altering the time and space continuum, and becoming their own fathers.

Fortunately for you, or perhaps unfortunately depending on your point of view, I who also go by the name of The AngryMan, from the mildly followed AngryBritain.com, am capable of time-travel.

Let me transport you back to the November 17th 2008. Whooooooooosh.

There I am, locking up xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx, my six-month tenancy at an end. In my hand I’m holding a piece of paper with the various readings for each utility company, and the phone numbers. Whoooooosh. A couple of hours later and there I am calling you with the readings and giving you a forwarding address for you to send the final bill.

Whoooooooooooosh.

And back to about a month ago. I'm talking to someone in Delhi trying to find out why I've only just received this, along with a final demand and the threat of legal proceedings. Ooooooooo. Incidentally the bill is incorrect, I rather object to paying for water use until March 2009. Some 6 months after I left.

Now don't get me wrong I can see the romance in India, and I hope to follow in Jade Goody's footsteps and visit it one day. The beauty of the Taj Mahal and the history of the Raj fill me with wonder. Wonder that is, why a British company would take the decision to offshore their call centre, where sadly the message is often lost in translation. And it's not their fault, you can tell this from the recently aired and revered documentary 'Mumbai Calling'

Whoooooooosh

To a fortnight ago and I've 'got lucky', I'm speaking to a young lady in your UK call centre who I assume is a hybrid of human and hyena who thought it all rather amusing that I had failed to receive the amended bill - which for the record I am happy to pay - and despite telling her clearly that 'the account is in dispute' and therefore currently uncollectable, that you would be passing my account to a Collection Agency. Oooooooooo. 'I'll send you a revised bill'. She says.

Yes, and i'll find a cure for cancer.

Whooooooosh

To Friday night, I arrive home from a weary week at work hoping to fall upon the gaze of my 8 week old daughter, Clover, to be rewarded with one of those delicious smiles that money simply can’t buy. Instead I am met by the steely glare of Mrs AngryBritain. 'What's this?' she says. The 'this' to which she refers is a letter from CwC Debt Recovery.

After changing my trousers, I had a lovely weekend. Surprisingly dismissive of my impending jail term.

Whooooooosh

To today. Having stuffed the letter in my manbag to be dealt with today, I spotted it whilst hunting around for the last furry Polo mint after the boredom of yet another tube journey set in on the way to work. Surprisingly this letter took just 37 minutes to complete on my iPhone including breaks for 'man-scratching' and I would now like to present it, and the attached letter to CwC to you to deal with.

Being a web-ist I've also presented it to the internet, mostly through vanity:

Here: http://angrybritainblog.blogspot.com , Here: http://www.twitter.com/angrybritain ,and later-on today here: http://www.angrybritain.com

According to Alexa.com, AngryBritain.com currently ranks 3,047,401th most popular site on the internet, and 149,299th most popular site in Britain. Out of an approximate total of 108,000,000 websites that puts us in the top 4%. We acknowledge that while we have some way to go to reach the heady heights of Google or Facebook, that equates to approximately 100,000 hits a day. Not bad huh?.

Anyhow, do get in touch I'd love to resolve this and even perhaps give you some money.

For the record:

“The account is currently 'in dispute' pending a revised bill and therefore legally unenforceable or collectable”

Check the Consumer Credit Act 1974. A marvelous piece of legislation designed to stop faceless organisations such as you using bully-boy tactics to make amends for crap customer service.

The telephone, the thing Bell invented, is the contraption in front of you with the numbers 0-9 on it that makes ringing noises now and again. My number is xxxxxxxxxxx.

Now, I'm off to see what my kids look like so fire up the DeLorean.

Yours not-particularly faithfully,

Mr D xxxxxxx

aka The AngryMan

www.angrybritain.com

Be on TV! (Yes really!)

Dear AngryBlog fans and visitors,

AngryBritain.com has been approached by a TV company to help them find people who might be interested in taking part in a new TV show. See below:

Hello all,

We are looking for contributors who are currently unemployed* to take part in a screen test for a possible new factual entertainment programme.

It will be to take part in a social enterprise experience where a team of people will work together to run a bakery from scratch. This will be run by, Eamon Fullalove, a former head chef of Jamie Oliver's 'fifteen' restaurant.

We would require you for a one-day shoot in London next week.

If you are interested and would like to know more, then please email me laura.smith@princesstv.com.

I shall look forward to hearing from you.

* Unemployed people from all sectors, recently made redundant, bankrupt due losing business, long term unemployed or mothers and fathers trying to return to work.

This is a genuine opportunity to be on TV so please grab it with both hands if you fit the criteria above. Laura is lovely, and got me on The TV Show on C4 a few weeks back. If you're unsure you can always contact AngryBritain via email first: angryman@angrybritain.com

Good luck, sadly we're working otherwise we'd be first in the queue! - Please make sure you mention AngryBritain.com when you contact her!

Shit Ben

As it struck me in the face disturbing me from the solitary slumber of Rick Astley on my iPhone, I spun around like a fat ninja to meet my attacker. To be met by the coarse red fabric of a rucksack.

The rucksack was attached to a rucksack 'type'. Tailored shorts, walking boots and wraparound shades. Like Ben Fogle, only shitter. If being more shit than Ben Fogle is humanly possible.

'Shit Ben' shot me a look that suggested I had just slept with his mother and not wiped up, then continued to read The Metro arms stretched obnoxiously out in front of him. Still attached to his red friend.

After several thousand other sardines had packed themselves onto the 17.53 Jubilee Line from London Bridge, 'Shit Ben' was forced to remove his red 'shell' using the double-flailing-arm-wiggle manoeuvre making it look rather like he had shit himself. Or was about to.

I rubbed my nose stealthily flipping him the birdie and glancing a knowing look. This was a small but satisfying victory for AngryBritain's stinging face. Bad luck 'Shit Ben'.

Rucksackists don't be selfish 'Shit Bens' please remove them before boarding.

And don't even get me started on suitcases with wheels ...

Not the 9 o'clock news

As I'm sure most of you are aware AngryBritain could be considered a 'media whore'. We would attend the opening of an envelope at the mearest whiff of a TV camera being there.

Just such an opportunity arose last Thursday when we were invited to attend the filming of C4's 'The TV Show' hosted by the no-nonsense Krishnan Guru-Murthy. It was quite simply a masterclass in journalism and TV done properly.

The topics were swearing on TV and C4's coverage of MJ's death. Yes just in case you missed it AngryBritain's Angry Blog is saddened to inform you that Michael Jackson, is dead.

I'm sure the show is available now on 4oD or online if you want to see what we look like or watch some interesting telly for a change. While time constraints meant we didn't get to say anything we are quite easy to spot. Look for the fat bloke in a black polo shirt, ill advised brown shoes and the glare of the studio lights reflecting off his balding pate. Though we'd like to add that similar afflictions have done Jeremy Clarkson's TV career no harm whatsoever.

We got invited on thanks to Twitter and this really is the point of today's post, the world of news and how its delivered has changed. The internet has enabled the rest of us to get involved. The rise of the celebrity bloggers such as Perez Hilton and Guido Fawkes, and celeb Tweeters such as Krishnan (twitter/krishgm) give us unprecedented access to the media, and them to us. In fact on Friday yours truely got a call from our friends at BBC 5 Live asking for help with a show they were doing. How cool is that?.

For those of us who've hit 30 something and have realised that a career in journalism was what we really wanted when we left school, the internet gives us a chance to practice and a platform for our voice. So log on and get blogging or tweeting. If it can happen for Perez and Guido, it can happen to you.

And maybe even me.

Bad?

The King of Pop is dead. Long live The King.

It's been nearly a week now since the shocking news from celeb-ville that Michael Jackson died at home from a massive heart attack leaving a sparkly gloved void in the music industry.

13 number one singles, The biggest selling album of all time, Thriller and sales of 300 million records made Wacko Jacko an icon and a hero to many. Now in death this loyal following will continue on across new generations ironically meaning the huge debts about which we've read will likely be repaid ten times over.

The price of celebrity was high for Jackson. Odd 'skin conditions', odder marriages and questionable choice of company - that lovable chimp and source of much amusement for the press, Bubbles.

But sadly the story by which most of us will remember him are those allegations of child abuse. Jordy Chandler and Gavin Arvizo ultimately saw to Jacko's demise, all the while happily accepting life changing sums of money from the star, the reasons for which we will now never really know.

These allegations and those questionable payments ultimately led to years of demonisation in the press.

Yet look now they hale him a hero, icon and King of Pop.

Michael Jackson 1968-2009

iSod

07.47 Jubilee Line to London Bridge and their eyes met across the early morning haze of the crowded carriage and their pulses raced.

Her a pretty olive skinned woman in white blouse and floaty blue skirt who got off at Westminster, and him the scruffy oik with the iPhone and orange earphones blasting out 'Now that's what I call an inconsiderate cock Vol.1' at full volume.

AngryBritain witnessed these two locked in a battle of the sexes and social etiquette this morning, culminating in a win for decency for the good lady of Westminster.

Several hand gestures and mouthed 'That's very loud' laters, met with barely any resistance, the carriage once again fell 'silent'

Nice work Mrs and tough luck orange earphones boy. None of us want to listen to the tinny shitness of your secondhand music so,

TURN IT DOWN YOU INCONSIDERATE COCK!

Thank you.