Week 3 of X-Factor, Britain's very own 'Search for a Karaoke Superstar' juggernaut rolled into town on Saturday night and it's time, to face, the fact that, we're hooked.
The bright eyed hopefuls burst onto the stage and straight into a sanitised version of Cee-Lo Green's 'F*ck You' appropriately renamed 'Forget You' because we will have done precisely that with the majority of them by the grand final.
After a few flashes of Simon's white teeth, Cheryl's home-dyed hair, Dannii's expressionless botox-filled face and Louis clapping his hands like George Osbourne at a cashpoint, we were off into the first performance. Paije Richardson, who had come dressed as Joan Collins circa Dynasty, belting out 'Aint Nobody' (Dressed Like This Anymore). Shoot the stylist!
Next up John Adeleye trying to inject some fun into his performance but clearly concentrated on his Poodle style hair instead. Zoom? Yes John, as it turned out straight to the head of the dole queue.
Trying to 'Do It Right' next was Jessica Rabbit, sorry Rebecca Ferguson, with bright red hair, red lips and a dress to match, it was quite clearly a warning to turn the TV down and wait for the arrival of the snarling side-mouthed singing Cheryl Cole tribute act Cher Lloyd, sporting a perm not seen since Kevin Keegan last used it in the 70's. Cher encouraged us to 'Shout, Shout, Let It All Out' and I did, until her performance ended.
Painter and decorator Matt took to a stool with guitar to make a Britney song his own. Hit Me Baby One More Time? No thanks, but keep hold of that stool and guitar, they'll come in handy on the underground. And so will your hat. Taking equally bad fashion tips from this year's X-Factor 'stylists' were One Direction with their 'Back To The Future' trainers, scruffy hair and not a pube between them. Their sickly sweet performance of 'Nobody Knows' (Who we are) no doubt had 12 year old girls beheading their Justin Bieber dolls across Britain.
There wasn't a 'Whole Lotta Love' for TreyC Cohen who ended up in the bottom three after belting out Led Zeppelin's classic. Her performance clearly went down like a Led Balloon with the public. There wasn't much love either for one trick pony Tesco Mary Byrne and her rendition of 'I Have Nothing'. Cowell scowled at Louis 'She needs to do a more modern song' and we fear that if Louis doesn't give her one next week, it could be Mary that will need help packing her bags.
Morrisey Grimshaw then had a miserable daffodil waving stab at being James Bond with 'Diamonds Are Forever', Diamonds might be forever but your singing career sure isn't. Aiden was followed by the cattiest girl band in the history of the X-Factor ironically singing 'I'll Stand By You' (So long as you tell me I'm the prettiest). In possibly their worst performance so far, they miraculously hung on for another week avoiding the sing-off.
Standard fayre from Katie Waissel as she trotted on, was a bit smug, and trotted off again before Wagner, the lion-haired sex pest took to the stage for his cringeworthy Spice Girls and Ricky Martin 'mash-up' surrounded by scantily clad buxom dancers. Yet despite the ensuing uproar over the dancers appearing to expose themselves to Wagner at the end of the song, barely anyone passed comment on the biggest tit of all.
The one singing.
See you next week, and thanks for reading. If you liked it, we might just do it again.
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